Well, it's been a little over a year now. About this time last year, I had had it. I felt I was trapped at my job. I had no one to talk to or to help me. Suicide was a daily thought. I'd hide under my desk in my classroom, waiting for 4 o'clock so I could go home and praying my boss or her minions wouldn't find me and make me stay later. I'd sit in my car, thinking about driving off into the deep ditch I have to pass on the way home. Die in a fiery blaze. No one would really miss me, right? My mind broke. I was crying, begging for someone, anyone, to help me. The doctor sent me to the medical ward at the hospital. There I stayed for a week, putting on a brave face when all I wanted was my family. Not the witch for a doctor or the boys constantly hitting on me. Not The sickly green peeling paint and deflating hospital bed with the thin blanket. The food, except for the pizza and pb&j, sucked. When I finally got home came therapy. The boxes of my school supplies piling up in my van. The lying in my bunk bed for days doing nothing. I felt I had fallen too far. This was it. I had lost big time. A young man from my bank started talking to me, acting nice. Then he slowly began pushing to meet with me alone at his home. Asking for inappropriate pictures. Telling me my best friend-who hadn't spoken to me for months and would continue to ignore me for almost half a year because they had their own issues- was a bad person. And I took it. I didn't meet up with him. I didn't send the pics. I just laugh it off and tell him no. Until Christmas. We were in Texas. He sent me some very inappropriate stuff. Something inside me just snapped. I didn't have to take this. I didn't deserve his crud. I told him so, and he ignored me for months. When he hits me up, I tell him off again. Mom goes to the bank for me because I can't stand to see him. Another young man was also speaking with me. He was nice to me. He did like to talk a lot about himself, but he did ask me to be his Valentine. He stopped talking to me around April because of family issues. I'm sorry we don't talk anymore. I pray for him daily.
After Christmas, I started doing better. Starting doing things for myself. I applied to be a tutor at the community college. In March, I began to tutor. It was scary. I felt like I was being judged. That I was going to fail again. In May, my new boss urged me to try out for a new position that paid more and gave more responsibility. I tried out and got the job. Now, I was working with the Vice President of academic affairs, the chairman of the math department, and doing my tutoring along with secretary work. I was working with more people. More students were asking for me to be heir tutor. In August, I was asked to help out in a math class as kinda like a teachers assistant. I began to get requests to tutor high school students after hours and be paid for it. And as of this past Monday, I was made a college instructor for a 4 week remedial math class.
I wish I could hug my past self. Tell her it gets okay. Tell her that we need to rest and care for ourself for a while. I still can't believe where I am. I went from a grade school teacher being bullied to the point of suicide to being praised by heads of the college during meetings for the impact I'm making. True, my depression is still an issue. I still have ghosts that like to haunt me, but look at me now!!! I lived. I thrived. I survived. The Authors pen strokes have been for my good. He took me in his arms and carried me until I could slowly walk again. I've come a long way. I'm crying as I write this, but I need to write this. I'm teaching again. I've made new real life friends. My fellow Codebearers have been cheering for me, even though a few gave me a headache. But I made it. The author wants me to teach. He wants me to inspire. He wants me to be a bad*** b**** and kick a**.
If you are in a valley, don't give up. Find someone. A friend. A family member. A counselor. Someone! Anyone! Do not do what I almost did! Death is never an answer. Don't make me come over and hit you over the head with a book! Depression and bullying is hard to deal with, but it can be overcome. My depression is still here, but it's different now. I'm not drowning every day. Still feel kinda sad, but I can genuinely smile more. I want to go to work. I don't hide from my bosses anymore. Life is better. Praise Aviad!